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Recent development in the fledgling science of neurology is demonstrating what many of us have known intuitively for eons; that is, we are soft wired to want to belong, to be part of something bigger than we are, a desire to be part of something meaningful, something worthwhile, something purposeful and a desire to make a positive difference. In short, wired to serve. Perhaps it is because of our recognition of our mortality, because as humans we have an innate desire to leave something behind, we all want to leave a legacy.

Could it be that this too is the ‘soft wiring’ which drives us to propagate? Logically, there is no good reason to have children. They are expensive, a nuisance and can and often do, impede your career, your finances and your progress. And yet they are a constant source of joy, because in them you see the legacy you are leaving to the world. If we could drive this into every psyche, then maybe every parent might work that much harder to leave a better legacy manifest through their children. Could it be that the recent research on ‘mirror’ neurons which suggest that we are soft wired for empathy, compassion, sociability, attachment and affection really is true? If so the whole idea of servant leadership becomes ever more plausible; with a neurologically innate desire to serve. Yet we resist this, we try to override this inbuilt wiring so we can appear as hardnosed business people or an authoritarian boss, willing to hurt and damage and strip our employees of their dignity and right to a fair and equitable workplace. Are these the places where employees want to come to work? Brain science as well as our gut intuition tells us otherwise.

People still want to follow good leaders. It’s just that we are witnessing the birth of a new generation of followers. The youth of today will not adhere to old power structures, the world is too flat for that, too connected, and too well resourced in terms of access to knowledge. The X and the Y generation are not in need of knowledge, they need wisdom, they do not need dictatorship, they need guidance. And this must be a leadership to which they readily give their consent. I contend that servant leadership (leaders who see service to their constituents as their highest priority) is needed in this flatter, more egalitarian world if we are to get the most from the minds, hearts, and spirit of these next generations and the amazing contribution which they can most certainly offer. These people have a healthy distrust of power. They have read the history books replete with devastation and tyrannical leadership that has been inflicted upon the world; they have witnessed firsthand the exploitation of their planet. They can Google in a moment any query they might have without resorting to answers from positional leadership. They can ask questions on social networks and just as assuredly find the answers. Some half a billion questions are put to Google every month, who answered this questions BG (before Google)? Perhaps it was positional leaders such as teachers, parents and politicians, now our youth are empowered to find their own solutions. We still need teachers, parents and politicians; we just need them to be servant leaders instead of positional leaders.

If it is true that life ‘unfolds like a book’ then the corollary is surely that someone has to be the author. The question is… who? For too many people their life is authored by others; their parents, their teachers, their peers. Now is the time for some self-leadership, now is the time to reclaim the pen. Not only are we all capable of doing this but rather it is our entitlement. Gone are the days when loyalty to a company, firm or organization was rewarded, the best way to think about your careers is that you are working for a new boss – YOU!

This brings good news and bad news. The bad news is… now you are on your own; the good news is… now you are on your own!

How then, do you re-author your life? The first step is to decide that you are going to be your own author and that your goals are in line with your values, that your actions are congruent with your beliefs and that your words are aligned with your thoughts. Like any re-engineering process it could take time and effort, but it is well worth it in the long run. This does not mean you are to re-create yourself in a way that is false or inauthentic. As Warren Bennis, the great leadership thinker has stated: “When you write your own life, you have played the game that was natural for you to play,” he says. “you have kept your covenant with your own promise.” And that is exercising real self-leadership

Life is a choice. Every passing moment involves some element of choice. For the most part, though, the continual flow of choices we make never rise to the level of consciousness. We arise in the morning and unthinkingly dress in a certain way, brush our teeth in a certain way, eat our breakfast in a certain way. We forget that these are really a routine combination of choices; choices we once did think about. In theory they could still be choices we think about; we could rise at a different time, brush our teeth in a different way or prepare a different breakfast. Mostly, we don’t. And why should we? It is efficient, it has worked in the past, why change? And with these mundane activities there is probably no need to change (although I could argue the case for changing these every once in a while). The problem arises when we take the same unconscious, non-cognisant mindset to the people we interact with and in so doing, meet with our loved ones, our colleagues, or our customers with the same automaton approach. What could happen if we changed our intention, if we made a conscious decision about how we were going to approach these people? What if, during the walk to our kid’s room we had the intention of building them up for the day, or during the drive to work we set the intention of getting honest feedback from our colleagues, or just prior to picking up the phone we held the intention of serving the customer to the best of our ability? A simple idea that can change the way your day unfolds. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. As a leader the increased impact could well have you choosing to do this more often. I know this is the way servant leaders choose to behave.

The term ‘servant leadership’ carries within it an inherent paradox; that is, how can one be a leader and a servant simultaneously?  Don’t leaders call the shots and influence people? Doesn’t a servant respond to the needs of others and care for them? Clearly, the answer to both questions is ‘yes’ and on first appearances these attributes seem to be in opposition to each other, hence we are presented with a paradox. To understand this paradox we need to introduce another; that is, to serve is a selfish act. How can this be? Isn’t service about sacrifice, altruism and selflessness? A long career working with the volunteer sector tells me the answer is ‘no’. No doubt this is controversial.  Volunteers are not a homogeneous group and the not-for-profit manager who thinks they are, is in trouble. Every volunteer I worked with had a reason for being there; it might have been because they cared about the environment, it might have been because they wanted to rid the world of some disease, it might have been because it distressed them to see injustice in the world. Whatever the reason, at its core it was about their inner self. Altruism is a myth. We like to think of our volunteers and the people that serve others as noble, self-sacrificing altruists. This is only true if we remove from the equation the individual’s own feelings. The reality is rather less reassuring because even if we ostensibly self sacrifice we are really doing it for ourselves; for how it makes us feel. The happiest people I know are those that are doing things for other people and often they are leading in the process. You cannot be a miserable servant leader because that is not a paradox that is an out and out contradiction. I am a servant leader to my children, and while sometimes this has been difficult, emotionally challenging work, my greatest moments of pride and greatest moments of feeling alive are when they have prospered. This is true of coaches and their teams, it is true of nuns like Mother Theresa and the poor she nurtures, and it is true of great leaders like Mandela and his people, Martin Luther King and the equal rights movement. If you read the autobiographies of any of these people none would consider their actions as ‘self sacrifice’ because they benefited intrinsically, and extrinsically the world rejoiced.

Through good communication you can assist people to keep their life on track. Through skillful communication you can assist them to build a better life.

No matter where you sit in your organisation you are a leader to someone. And skillful communication is imperative in that role. Before you can communicate your vision to those around you, however, you must first face the challenge of understanding your people; and this requires listening because contrary to what some may think skillful communication begins with listening.

Many leaders hear, but they don’t listen.

Actively listening, as the term suggests, involves great participation on the part of the receiver of the information. Unless you have the right approach to the activity, easier said than done.. Here’s seven approaches to get you started…

Empathy

In any communication process, empathy should be your staring point. There has been much written on the subject of empathy but perhaps the American Indians said best “To know a man you must first walk in their moccasins for two moons or more”. In short, you must see, hear and feel the discussion from the others point of view, from within their skin.

Rapport

Rapport is a critical element in the communication process. Rapport sends a message to the sender that ‘hey, I’m like you, we can be open here’. Research as well as intuition informs us that people communicate best with those they *perceive* as being like them. Rapport is communicating on the same wave length.

Feedback

Providing feedback ensures that what you are hearing is the message they are sending. In demonstrates your willingness to be part of their message, and assist them to formulate their ideas into meaningful dialogue.

Focus

Giving your full attention to the speaker encourages openness and draw out the real point of the transaction. Important elements which may underpin the communication process, such as feelings, doubt and fear are more easily uncovered by the focused listener.

Restraint

Effective listeners realise that whilst they are speaking they are not listening. Seemingly obvious? Yes, but critical in your bag of listening tools is dimply resisting the temptation  to talk more than you listen. Even short silence can be effective in really understanding the other person, as often they need time to gather their thoughts.

Support

Providing support and reassuring people that what they say is alright and without judgment. The listener needs to be non-judgmental in order to make the other feel accepted and willing to open up. This does not mean you have to agree with them, but it does mean respecting their point of view and understanding why they see it the way they do.

Questions

On of the most powerful tools in any communications armory is the ability to ask pertinent questions. Questions draw out the real meaning behind any communication interaction. The key to asking effective questions is to find a balance; that is unobtrusive yet probing, showing interest and concern, inquisitive not interrogation. Good questions are often, but not exclusively, open ended, encouraging and inviting the speaker to tell you more.

Being an effective listener is a crucial leadership skill. It paves the way for opportunities and seeks out win/win outcomes. Effective listening is a necessary skill for anyone aspiring to be a better leader. These people are respected, appreciated and - as is the wish of any leader - followed.

Fast is the new slow. We wait 30 seconds in a drive-through for instant coffee and berate the tardy service. We press ‘express’ on the microwave and 14 seconds later curse the slowness of the technology. We careen through the air at over 700 kilometres an hour but bemoan the time taken. Evidently, many of us are time-poor. And this comes with a cost. The casualties in this rapid and rabid paced environment are all too often our relationships. In this new, nano-paced, I-want-it-now world, the ‘speed of trust’ has become intensely important. So how do you build swift trust? Prominent consultant Charles Green argues there are four essential elements; credibility (what you consistently say and have said about you), reliability (what you consistently do), intimacy (how you consistently make others feel) and what he calls self-orientation (who you are consistently thinking of). Interestingly, he suggests that only one element requires an extended timeframe; reliability.

I contend that relationships, influence and trust are critical to ‘difference making’. My question then, I’m curious, what do you do to build trust?

Content provided by The Emerson Project  www.emersonproject.com.au 

“If only I had someone to talk to about this”. How often have you thought those words? Well, there is a solution; draw on the power of a peer advisory group. Peer advisory groups are not a new phenomenon, indeed they have been around as long as people have needed to share ideas, find solutions and rise above everyday business challenges. For the process to work, however, it needs to be built on a solid foundation. Imagine a three sided pyramid; at the base you have the corner stones. These must be laid with precision and care if they are to successfully support a successful structure. The three corner stones represent Confidentiality, Commitment and Contribution. The result is the foundation for an exciting new model in peer advisory groups – The Emerson Project.

“Business leaders in peer advisory groups enjoy idea generation and support while they seek solutions to significant business challenges in a confidential setting”

In investigating successful businesses and organizations we find a common denominator; that is, the business leaders of such groups take advantage of counsel from professional advisors to inform and assist in significant business decisions. And in specialist areas this is a prudent practice. However, beyond the engagement of accountants, lawyers and other professionals, there is a dearth of quality advice. This is where a powerful peer advisory group plays a significant role.

A well thought-out peer advisory group encourages its members to connect, discuss and engage with both broader and personal problems at a meaningful level beyond what other people, who are not in decision making roles, may be able to. It is at this meeting of minds that members can be acknowledged, challenged, confided in and enriched to go beyond the superficiality of most everyday conversations/meetings.

The reality is, people who are members of peer advisory groups learn faster, more effectively and more thoroughly from, and in the company, of like-minded individuals. This kind of collaborative learning elicits a deeper and profound shift in thinking.

Wherever you find yourself, whatever level you may be at, you would find enormous benefit in being part of a peer advisory group. Our advice is to seek one out, in doing so you can expand your mind, elevate your business and enrich your life.

Do you know anyone who works 50 hours + a week? I’ve worked with many executives that think nothing of working 50, 60 or even 70 hours a week! Personally I think they are mad. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work; I just love my non-work time more. But this is not really the point. The point is, if you are working 50 hours a week is it because you think you must work this long to achieve the outcomes you seek? Or is it because you just want to be there for 50 hours a week? If it is because of the former, here’s a question for you… “When looking at all the things you do in that week, are you the only one capable of doing them or could you be delegating more of them?” In real simple terms, are you spending so much time working IN the business that there simply is no time to work ON the business?

Does this describe you? If so, think for a minute how much more expanded your mind would be, how much more elevated your business would be and how much more enriched your life would be if you only did the things that contributed in these three areas. Are you implementing low-level operational pursuits at the cost of the high leverage strategy?

The adage “don’t sweat the small stuff” comes to mind. The real value in making your life ‘burn’ with enrichment is in the stuff you do well and gives you the greatest return on your efforts. Chances are, that’s not photocopying your strategy documents!

When you’re ready to begin working ‘on’ your business and your life then check out The Emerson Project www.emersonproject.com.au … a project committed to exactly that.

Each day is built on little wonders. Things that we take for granted, that provide at the end of the day your balance sheet. It’s about getting from the day not just through the day. Let’s explore what some of those options might be…

You can start the day late. Sleep in to the last minute. Be woken with the abrupt sound of a ringing alarm. Snatch a coffee and a smoke and run for the door cursing the day.

OR

Start the day early. Catch a sunrise and stand in awe, go for a walk, celebrate and honour the freshness of a new dawning day; a new start.

Then…

Expect the worst. Drive hurriedly to work imagining the pile on your desk and the grumpy people you work with. Cuss the moronic drivers and run the lights to get the closest car park.

OR

Expect the best. Have praise and gratitude for your heart and your mind. Rejoice in the splendour of your senses; the breeze on your face, the scent of a freshly mowed grass, the glow of a new day dawning, the chirping of birds. Enjoy and revel in it all! Experience it all as if for the first time.

Then…

Eat junk. Grab a Coke and a chocolate bar from the vending machine. Sit at your desk and suck on lollies from your top draw.

OR

Breakfast well. Take time to enjoy it. Make yourself a freshly squeezed orange juice or a banana smoothie. Carefully prepare a fruit salad and yoghurt breakfast. Sit in gratitude of each mouthful.

Then….

Slump. Slump at your desk, arch your back and let your head droop.

OR

Take a little exercise. Stretch, go for a walk, ride a bike, feel the blood course through your veins. Practice some yoga and meditate for awhile.

Then…

Get the daily news. Read the headlines of tragedy, misfortune and war. Feel a sense of hopelessness and dread. Worry about the past, the present and the future.

OR

Read the good stuff. Not the papers; “If it bleeds, it leads”. The inspirational and wonderful stuff is in the books and notes from loved ones. Savour the words.

Then…

Ignore people. Shrug an acknowledgement at your family and co-workers. Grunt a few orders to your kids “Clean your room before I get in”. Tell your co-workers and friends you’re too busy, too tired, and too stressed.

OR

Greet them well. Wake your loved ones with a smile, but before you do stand and look at their faces. Feel the love you have for them and let them know it too. Let them greet the day with enthusiasm and splendour. Be kind to others no matter their disposition.

Then…

When asked ‘How are you?’ respond with negative comments – ‘I’ve been better’ ‘Glad when today’ over ‘Bloody Monday… again!’

OR

When asked ‘How are you?’ reply with a optimism and joy ‘Fantastic!’ ‘Never been better’ ‘Ten out of ten… and rising!’

Then…

Do the same thing. Regardless of the results, do the same things, bemoan the outcome, whinge about the results and complain about anything, but doggedly do the same thing anyway.

OR

Try something new. Sit with someone different at lunch. Travel a different route brush your teeth with your other hand. Go on, take a chance, take a risk and let yourself be fascinated by the everyday and the commonplace.

Then…

Wallow in chaos. Spend hours looking for the same report, try pen after pen that doesn’t work, pull that shirt from your overcrowded wardrobe and lament the clutter in your life.

OR

Clear away the clutter. Throw out that old suit. Empty the draw of those dozens of pens. Give away those magazines. Put clarity and freshness back into your day.

Then…

Kill time. Collapse in front of the ‘box’. Beer in one hand, remote in the other. Stay there until you fall unconscious in a stupor or apathy and dullness.

OR

Talk. Enjoy once again that lost art of conversation. Switch off the television. Face your loved ones and ask them how their day went and then listen, really listen. Tell them about your dreams and aspirations.

Then at the end of the day….

Forget it all. Wipe the day from your memory. Forget people’s names, what important to them, their dreams and their aspirations. Focus on failures, flops and a fear of what tomorrow may bring.

OR

Record it. Keep note of your day. The wins, the laughter and the challenges. Reflect on the positive things that happened that day in such a way that your journal becomes one of your most wondrous legacies and joy to read.

Then…

Crawl into bed and dread the thought of doing the whole thing again. Rue the day and all that is in it.

OR

Review and reward. End the day with a win. Kiss that face you stared at this morning, tell them you love them and hug them too. Be proud of them and yourself. Pause and review the day and look forward to the next one with great anticipation and joy. This is how a great life is built.

At the end of the day, and all through it for that matter, the choice is yours and yours alone. String enough of either day together and you have either a life that was led as a warning or a life of inspiration and joy. The choice is yours. Which will you choose?