What can you claim to be uniquely you, to be uniquely your thoughts, your contribution? You must find an area you are willing to devote time, energy and finances; an arena within which you can argue convincingly and with passion. This is your most important calling: your call to lead. Once you have found this you can lead from a position that is congruent, has deep integrity and authority. For me, my most important calling is to lead my family. I once discounted this ability but have come to reconsider this. I have read many wise words from high powered executives and many of them have confirmed my consideration; that is, parenting is tougher than running a multi-million dollar organisation and top performing sports team or even a country. In so many ways leading a family is analogous to leading a substantial organisation only in microcosm. Familial lessons learned, I believe, can be applied in a much wider sphere. People are people. They all have dreams, desires and aspirations. We forget this to our discredit. So much of it seems common sense but as Voltaire expressed over four hundred years ago ‘common sense is not so common’. I think the time has come to dispel the myths about the importance of leading a family. Sure we pay lip service to that concept; I hear so often that “My family is the most important thing in my life” but this is not so often reflected in the actions of the people saying it. Many of us have pursued our careers with fervour, we have studied over lengthy periods to acquire our degrees, and we have attended conferences and professional development to gain that competitive edge; all contribute to becoming a better leader. But I am struck by the fact that our families are so important to us and yet we invest little if any time as to how we might perform more wisely in that role. The leaders struggle doesn’t end at 5.00pm when the office shuts. For the most part that is when it just begins.

Recent development in the fledgling science of neurology is demonstrating what many of us have known intuitively for eons; that is, we are soft wired to want to belong, to be part of something bigger than we are, a desire to be part of something meaningful, something worthwhile, something purposeful and a desire to make a positive difference. In short, wired to serve. Perhaps it is because of our recognition of our mortality, because as humans we have an innate desire to leave something behind, we all want to leave a legacy.

Could it be that this too is the ‘soft wiring’ which drives us to propagate? Logically, there is no good reason to have children. They are expensive, a nuisance and can and often do, impede your career, your finances and your progress. And yet they are a constant source of joy, because in them you see the legacy you are leaving to the world. If we could drive this into every psyche, then maybe every parent might work that much harder to leave a better legacy manifest through their children. Could it be that the recent research on ‘mirror’ neurons which suggest that we are soft wired for empathy, compassion, sociability, attachment and affection really is true? If so the whole idea of servant leadership becomes ever more plausible; with a neurologically innate desire to serve. Yet we resist this, we try to override this inbuilt wiring so we can appear as hardnosed business people or an authoritarian boss, willing to hurt and damage and strip our employees of their dignity and right to a fair and equitable workplace. Are these the places where employees want to come to work? Brain science as well as our gut intuition tells us otherwise.

People still want to follow good leaders. It’s just that we are witnessing the birth of a new generation of followers. The youth of today will not adhere to old power structures, the world is too flat for that, too connected, and too well resourced in terms of access to knowledge. The X and the Y generation are not in need of knowledge, they need wisdom, they do not need dictatorship, they need guidance. And this must be a leadership to which they readily give their consent. I contend that servant leadership (leaders who see service to their constituents as their highest priority) is needed in this flatter, more egalitarian world if we are to get the most from the minds, hearts, and spirit of these next generations and the amazing contribution which they can most certainly offer. These people have a healthy distrust of power. They have read the history books replete with devastation and tyrannical leadership that has been inflicted upon the world; they have witnessed firsthand the exploitation of their planet. They can Google in a moment any query they might have without resorting to answers from positional leadership. They can ask questions on social networks and just as assuredly find the answers. Some half a billion questions are put to Google every month, who answered this questions BG (before Google)? Perhaps it was positional leaders such as teachers, parents and politicians, now our youth are empowered to find their own solutions. We still need teachers, parents and politicians; we just need them to be servant leaders instead of positional leaders.

If it is true that life ‘unfolds like a book’ then the corollary is surely that someone has to be the author. The question is… who? For too many people their life is authored by others; their parents, their teachers, their peers. Now is the time for some self-leadership, now is the time to reclaim the pen. Not only are we all capable of doing this but rather it is our entitlement. Gone are the days when loyalty to a company, firm or organization was rewarded, the best way to think about your careers is that you are working for a new boss – YOU!

This brings good news and bad news. The bad news is… now you are on your own; the good news is… now you are on your own!

How then, do you re-author your life? The first step is to decide that you are going to be your own author and that your goals are in line with your values, that your actions are congruent with your beliefs and that your words are aligned with your thoughts. Like any re-engineering process it could take time and effort, but it is well worth it in the long run. This does not mean you are to re-create yourself in a way that is false or inauthentic. As Warren Bennis, the great leadership thinker has stated: “When you write your own life, you have played the game that was natural for you to play,” he says. “you have kept your covenant with your own promise.” And that is exercising real self-leadership

Life is a choice. Every passing moment involves some element of choice. For the most part, though, the continual flow of choices we make never rise to the level of consciousness. We arise in the morning and unthinkingly dress in a certain way, brush our teeth in a certain way, eat our breakfast in a certain way. We forget that these are really a routine combination of choices; choices we once did think about. In theory they could still be choices we think about; we could rise at a different time, brush our teeth in a different way or prepare a different breakfast. Mostly, we don’t. And why should we? It is efficient, it has worked in the past, why change? And with these mundane activities there is probably no need to change (although I could argue the case for changing these every once in a while). The problem arises when we take the same unconscious, non-cognisant mindset to the people we interact with and in so doing, meet with our loved ones, our colleagues, or our customers with the same automaton approach. What could happen if we changed our intention, if we made a conscious decision about how we were going to approach these people? What if, during the walk to our kid’s room we had the intention of building them up for the day, or during the drive to work we set the intention of getting honest feedback from our colleagues, or just prior to picking up the phone we held the intention of serving the customer to the best of our ability? A simple idea that can change the way your day unfolds. Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself. As a leader the increased impact could well have you choosing to do this more often. I know this is the way servant leaders choose to behave.

The term ‘servant leadership’ carries within it an inherent paradox; that is, how can one be a leader and a servant simultaneously?  Don’t leaders call the shots and influence people? Doesn’t a servant respond to the needs of others and care for them? Clearly, the answer to both questions is ‘yes’ and on first appearances these attributes seem to be in opposition to each other, hence we are presented with a paradox. To understand this paradox we need to introduce another; that is, to serve is a selfish act. How can this be? Isn’t service about sacrifice, altruism and selflessness? A long career working with the volunteer sector tells me the answer is ‘no’. No doubt this is controversial.  Volunteers are not a homogeneous group and the not-for-profit manager who thinks they are, is in trouble. Every volunteer I worked with had a reason for being there; it might have been because they cared about the environment, it might have been because they wanted to rid the world of some disease, it might have been because it distressed them to see injustice in the world. Whatever the reason, at its core it was about their inner self. Altruism is a myth. We like to think of our volunteers and the people that serve others as noble, self-sacrificing altruists. This is only true if we remove from the equation the individual’s own feelings. The reality is rather less reassuring because even if we ostensibly self sacrifice we are really doing it for ourselves; for how it makes us feel. The happiest people I know are those that are doing things for other people and often they are leading in the process. You cannot be a miserable servant leader because that is not a paradox that is an out and out contradiction. I am a servant leader to my children, and while sometimes this has been difficult, emotionally challenging work, my greatest moments of pride and greatest moments of feeling alive are when they have prospered. This is true of coaches and their teams, it is true of nuns like Mother Theresa and the poor she nurtures, and it is true of great leaders like Mandela and his people, Martin Luther King and the equal rights movement. If you read the autobiographies of any of these people none would consider their actions as ‘self sacrifice’ because they benefited intrinsically, and extrinsically the world rejoiced.

Through good communication you can assist people to keep their life on track. Through skillful communication you can assist them to build a better life.

No matter where you sit in your organisation you are a leader to someone. And skillful communication is imperative in that role. Before you can communicate your vision to those around you, however, you must first face the challenge of understanding your people; and this requires listening because contrary to what some may think skillful communication begins with listening.

Many leaders hear, but they don’t listen.

Actively listening, as the term suggests, involves great participation on the part of the receiver of the information. Unless you have the right approach to the activity, easier said than done.. Here’s seven approaches to get you started…

Empathy

In any communication process, empathy should be your staring point. There has been much written on the subject of empathy but perhaps the American Indians said best “To know a man you must first walk in their moccasins for two moons or more”. In short, you must see, hear and feel the discussion from the others point of view, from within their skin.

Rapport

Rapport is a critical element in the communication process. Rapport sends a message to the sender that ‘hey, I’m like you, we can be open here’. Research as well as intuition informs us that people communicate best with those they *perceive* as being like them. Rapport is communicating on the same wave length.

Feedback

Providing feedback ensures that what you are hearing is the message they are sending. In demonstrates your willingness to be part of their message, and assist them to formulate their ideas into meaningful dialogue.

Focus

Giving your full attention to the speaker encourages openness and draw out the real point of the transaction. Important elements which may underpin the communication process, such as feelings, doubt and fear are more easily uncovered by the focused listener.

Restraint

Effective listeners realise that whilst they are speaking they are not listening. Seemingly obvious? Yes, but critical in your bag of listening tools is dimply resisting the temptation  to talk more than you listen. Even short silence can be effective in really understanding the other person, as often they need time to gather their thoughts.

Support

Providing support and reassuring people that what they say is alright and without judgment. The listener needs to be non-judgmental in order to make the other feel accepted and willing to open up. This does not mean you have to agree with them, but it does mean respecting their point of view and understanding why they see it the way they do.

Questions

On of the most powerful tools in any communications armory is the ability to ask pertinent questions. Questions draw out the real meaning behind any communication interaction. The key to asking effective questions is to find a balance; that is unobtrusive yet probing, showing interest and concern, inquisitive not interrogation. Good questions are often, but not exclusively, open ended, encouraging and inviting the speaker to tell you more.

Being an effective listener is a crucial leadership skill. It paves the way for opportunities and seeks out win/win outcomes. Effective listening is a necessary skill for anyone aspiring to be a better leader. These people are respected, appreciated and - as is the wish of any leader - followed.

Fast is the new slow. We wait 30 seconds in a drive-through for instant coffee and berate the tardy service. We press ‘express’ on the microwave and 14 seconds later curse the slowness of the technology. We careen through the air at over 700 kilometres an hour but bemoan the time taken. Evidently, many of us are time-poor. And this comes with a cost. The casualties in this rapid and rabid paced environment are all too often our relationships. In this new, nano-paced, I-want-it-now world, the ‘speed of trust’ has become intensely important. So how do you build swift trust? Prominent consultant Charles Green argues there are four essential elements; credibility (what you consistently say and have said about you), reliability (what you consistently do), intimacy (how you consistently make others feel) and what he calls self-orientation (who you are consistently thinking of). Interestingly, he suggests that only one element requires an extended timeframe; reliability.

I contend that relationships, influence and trust are critical to ‘difference making’. My question then, I’m curious, what do you do to build trust?

“If only I had someone to talk to about this”. How often have you thought those words? Well, there is a solution; draw on the power of a peer advisory group. Peer advisory groups are not a new phenomenon, indeed they have been around as long as people have needed to share ideas, find solutions and rise above everyday business challenges. For the process to work, however, it needs to be built on a solid foundation. Imagine a three sided pyramid; at the base you have the corner stones. These must be laid with precision and care if they are to successfully support a successful structure. The three corner stones represent Confidentiality, Commitment and Contribution. The result is the foundation for an exciting new model in peer advisory groups – The Emerson Project.

“Business leaders in peer advisory groups enjoy idea generation and support while they seek solutions to significant business challenges in a confidential setting”

In investigating successful businesses and organizations we find a common denominator; that is, the business leaders of such groups take advantage of counsel from professional advisors to inform and assist in significant business decisions. And in specialist areas this is a prudent practice. However, beyond the engagement of accountants, lawyers and other professionals, there is a dearth of quality advice. This is where a powerful peer advisory group plays a significant role.

A well thought-out peer advisory group encourages its members to connect, discuss and engage with both broader and personal problems at a meaningful level beyond what other people, who are not in decision making roles, may be able to. It is at this meeting of minds that members can be acknowledged, challenged, confided in and enriched to go beyond the superficiality of most everyday conversations/meetings.

The reality is, people who are members of peer advisory groups learn faster, more effectively and more thoroughly from, and in the company, of like-minded individuals. This kind of collaborative learning elicits a deeper and profound shift in thinking.

Wherever you find yourself, whatever level you may be at, you would find enormous benefit in being part of a peer advisory group. Our advice is to seek one out, in doing so you can expand your mind, elevate your business and enrich your life.